Finding and making friends CAN be easy
Finding and making friends never used to be so hard – why is it so difficult now? Find out how making true friends can actually get easier in your 30’s.
Back when you were a kid, life was all about playing, finding and making friends.
And then things changed.
You grew up, needed to make choices about your life, and stepped into roles such as work and motherhood which don’t have such a social focus.
Suddenly, you find yourself living a life where making friends is an effort.
And it becomes near-impossible to find anyone who seems like they would be ‘your type of person’ enough, to try to become friends.
This is especially hard if you’ve moved cities or made big life-changes which have seen you evolve beyond the friendships you already have.
SO: How do you find, make and keep friendships that resonate with you, now, exactly as you are?
How do you find people who will love and support you as you become the person you want to be?
And how do you do all of this without exposing yourself to potentially toxic people (got to smash a few eggs to make an omelette after all, right? …Right?!)
Actually – not true.
Finding and making friends does not need to involve ‘putting yourself out there’ more often, or striking up conversations with randoms in the park as your kids fight over the see-saw.
What it DOES involve, when you are seeking out quality, long-term, supportive new friendships with other women, is a bit of pre-thought.
Have you ever stopped to wonder what qualities you want in a friend?
And have you ever thought about what you expect from a friendship?
And have you considered the qualities that YOU offer to other people in friendships?
If these questions leave you feeling stumped, it’s really something you need to consider.
As hard as it is, it’s time that you sat down and gave the above questions some thought.
What qualities do you want in a friend?
Make a list. Get some paper, or open a new note on your phone. Think of your perfect, ideal new friend. See her in your mind’s eye. Get a feel for her energy.
Is she an introvert, or an extrovert? Does she prefer coffee and lunch, or dinner and drinks? Is she married? Does she have kids? Does she have a job? Does she play sport? Enjoy gardening? Sew?
Get really firm about what qualities your new friend has. Try to avoid thinking of any one real-life person you know – you want to leave it to the Universe to bring you the ideal friendships that are perfect for you.
What do you expect from a friendship?
Now’s the time to consider what is important to you in friendship. Qualities such as loyalty, a good heart and level moods seem obvious – but go deeper than that. Do you want a friend who will keep your secrets? Someone who will always respond to your texts right away? Someone who is thoughtful and will pick up some milk from the store on their way over? Someone that you can do all these things for too? Write it all down – add it to your list.
What qualities do YOU offer in a friendship?
Get honest. Write down the good things you offer in a friendship. Are you always there to help make last-minute Book Week costumes and Easter bonnets? Do you send cute little texts to check in and see how she’s doing? Do you have a knack for fashion and knowing what outfits would suit another person? Write all these things down as well.
Keep your list in a safe place and keep adding to it as time rolls on.
Your list will become more specific – and it’s that clarity which will set the Universe to work in bringing new people into your life, which will make it easier for you when you’re finding and making friends in your life.
It’s easy to get impatient when you’re lonely and bored, feeling like you’re doing all the “right things” and secretly worries that you’re doing everything wrong.
It’s easy to become impatient and abandon the idea of finding and making new friends altogether.
And it’s tempting to see someone who doesn’t fit the list of what makes and ideal friend for you, but you feel so bored and lonely that you invest in trying to establish a friendship with that person anyway.
In some ways, it’s similar to being single and waiting for your ideal partner to come along – except there’s no sex, and you can have more than one perfect friend!
And just because you have one best friend doesn’t mean there’s no room in your life for welcoming new friends into your life.
Having a network of friends is healthy and widens your perspective on life.
Many women have an issue where their friend feels threatened when they make new friendships.
As you are a woman with social anxiety, maybe you feel this way too sometimes.
It can be easy to feel threatened when you have invested a lot of time and energy into developing what you feel is a close friendship with another woman, only to have that friend turn around and bring someone else to coffee or your daily walk.
It can feel like a betrayal of sorts, and you can feel shaky in where you stand within the friendship.
And when YOU are that NEW PERSON who is brought into a pre-existing friendship, it can be a very difficult minefield to navigate.
You want to make new friends. You want your new friend to see that you can get along with her other friends.
Most of the time, the reason why your new friend has introduced her to her old friend is that she wants to integrate you into her friendship circle – she thinks you’re cool and you have a lot in common, and she wants her other friends to like you.
This doesn’t mean it’s a test – you need to remain true to yourself.
Trying to “break in” to a long-established friendship group is no easy task.
Everyone is so busy nowadays, so you don’t want to be wasting time pursuing friendships with people who aren’t right for you long-term.
A common complaint that I hear from clients is “I spend so much time trying to establish a friendship with someone who just doesn’t seem interested in return – what am I doing wrong?”
Or “I’m not sure how I can find and make friends with someone new without looking like a creeper”
And I just want to say; If you become an expert at spotting who will make a good friend for you, quickly and easily – these fears will no longer be a problem.
My Butterfly, you are highly empathetic, sensitive and in-tune: It’s time you put these skills to good use.
And I want you to do this next time you meet someone you think would make a good friend moving forward:
- Stand strong in your grounding. Remaining grounded and in-alignment with your own energy is very important here.
- As you stand in your potential new friend’s presence, allow your energy to reach out an ‘scan’ your new friend’s energy.
- To scan someone, simply relax and feel your energy gently moving towards their energy.
- Soon, you will begin to feel sensations in your gut area.
- This is where the phrase “trust your gut” is so powerful: If your gut feels relaxed, expanding, comfortable, balanced – this person is a good match for you energetically.
- On the other hand, if you feel tightness, queasy or a feeling of dread – your energies do not align.
It’s important to remember that it can take some time to hone your gut-response.
We, as women in modern society, have been conditioned out of trusting our own gut instincts.
We have been trained to be overly compassionate, to put the feelings of other people before our own – and often to our own detriment.
It’s time to realign your loyalties to yourself – if you don’t put YOU first, nobody else ever will.
And the first step is to get to know what your gut-feeling is telling you.
Your gut is a trustworthy and reliable adviser – you just need to reconnect and understand what it is saying to you.
And I do understand that it can be hard to trust yourself again – especially if you feel that your gut instinct has let you down in the past.
Another common complaint I hear is “I’m such a bad judge of character!”
Women often confide in me that they take an instant liking to women who present an image of being kind, trustworthy, and of integrity… but who end up being self-interested, manipulative bitches.
Let me tell you that once you hone your gut-feel, you will become much better at discerning the authentic kindred spirits from the wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Other women tell me that they have become so hardened from hurt after hurt, they don’t feel that they can reliably connect with another woman’s energy and scan it for an energy match.
This is where you need to clear your blockages, and my free guided self-forgiveness mantra on MP3 will help you with this.
My biggest take-away message from this blog post is this: Finding and making friends will become much easier once you re-find and re-make friends with yourself.
Reconciling with your own energy and regaining trust in your ability to approach new friendships with an open mind and heart, with hope for the future but without any expectations – is the key here.
You can do it. I know you can.
It is worth every bit of the energy you put into healing yourself and regaining trust in your own feelings.
Let go of the past hurts and allow yourself to feel optimistic about the future and about making new friends. There is a lot to look forward to.
You have been given the gift of your gut-feel, and it’s time to put it back to good use again.
The more you place your trust in your gut, the more reliable it will become.
Love + light