Feeling like a bitch for wanting to know how to end a friendship?
Want to know how you can end it without hurting the other person?
Wondering if, with your social anxiety, you will notice a massive hole in your life and whether you will make new friends to fill that void?
Not all friendships were made the same, my Butterfly.
I think most people go into friendship with the intention that it will last a long time, but the truth is – that’s not always the case.
People grow and change, your wants and needs evolve and you attract people into your life based on what you are putting out there (whether you believe this or not).
So it’s natural, during the course of your adult life, to grow into and out of friendships.
And it’s a myth that all of these friendships will need to last forever – many of the highest purpose of your friendships are so that you can learn lessons and grow on your path.
I think we all WANT forever-friendships, that we can always rely on and get what we need from – but the truth is that not every friendship is made to last forever.
And when a friendship which was so close and seemed so aligned begins to vibrate differently (or, more to the point, YOU begin to vibrate differently) – it can be confusing and bewildering to make sense of what’s going on.
And further to that – it can be difficult to decide what you need to do, and then DO that from a place of love and mutual respect for both yourself and your friend.
Sometimes friendships need to end.
Sometimes the friendship has served its purpose, and for the mutual benefit of everyone involved, it’s time to move on.
Sometimes, the intensity of the friendship just needs to be kicked back a notch.
Sometimes there’s no longer a need for the daily interaction but the love and mutual affection still remains.
Whatever the reason that manifests, it’s important that you trust your gut and go with your inner knowing.
And know that there are ways to end friendships that are mutually beneficial – that both of you can walk away feeling good and knowing that you are progressing along the path of life.
It’s also important that you know that you have just as much right to end a friendship, as you do to start a friendship.
You are both in this relationship as equals, and you should be both benefiting from the friendship as much as each other.
If there is an imbalance to that relationship, it will show as strain.
Sure – there are times when one of you will need more support, and the other will provide it.
And it should be expected that during the other’s time of need, the friend will be there for them in equal measure.
The issue of “not being there for” a friend is one of the very common symptoms that a friendship is coming to the end of its lifespan.
Other symptoms/hints/nudges include:
- Your goals mean that your time and attention needs to be focused elsewhere
- You feel drained in her company
- You walk away from interactions with her feeling that something’s not quite right
- You find yourself putting off calling/messaging/seeing her
Not every friendship will end with a “bang”.
Sure, some will – and issues such as betrayal, gossip, an argument are very obvious and in-your-face motivations to end a friendship.
But the majority of friendships don’t end in this way.
Most of the time it’s a gradual distancing, moving in different directions and mixing in different circles so that you can end it with grace and compassion.
Of course, it’s likely that your friend will notice a change in the dynamic of the friendship.
And she might be feeling the same way – feeling that you are pulling in different directions and it’s time to move on.
But it’s a funny old thing, this notion of “feelings” – because sometimes people don’t seem to be in tune at all.
And while one person feels that it’s time for the friendship to move on, the other can be left feeling lost and bewildered, and wondering what’s happening.
I guess the thing to remember here is that – there’s nothing wrong with taking steps to give yourself a better experience of life.
And your friendships should support this vision you have of the life you deserve.
And every day you should be inching a little closer to the ideal life that will give you the most growth and the richest experience for your time here on this planet.
You don’t ever “owe” anyone your friendship.
In fact, feeling like you owe someone isn’t friendship at all.
It’s an obligation.
And the energy flows one way – away from you.
This helps neither you nor them – because your energy is being drained but the other person becomes overwhelmed by all the energy they are hit with.
Loyalty is a different thing.
Sometimes you have been friends for a long time – through thick and thin, and the time simply comes for both of you to advance in your own separate directions.
Bless the friendship, and let it go.
Exercise for How to end a friendship – gracefully detach your energy from a friendship that no longer serves you:
Step 1: Find some quiet time when you won’t be interrupted, and get quiet.
Step 2: Ground yourself.
Bring your attention to your root chakra at the base of your spine.
Feel the energy gently move downwards into your legs and feet, and see tree roots coming out the soles of your feet.
Bring those tree roots down, down, down, through the floor.
Down through all the layers of the earth and down to connect with the earth’s core.
Step 3: Once grounded, bring your attention back up into your heart chakra.
Feel your heart chakra become warm as it opens up.
Step 4: See your friend (the one you want to distance from) in your mind’s eye.
Picture her as if she is sitting right in front of you.
Step 5: In your mind (or out loud, if it feels more real), tell her everything you are feeling.
Tell her why you need to distance yourself.
Tell her the direction you want to go in and how you feel that she is going in a different direction.
Tell her that you are grateful for the friendship you had, and that you will always hold her affectionately in your heart.
Step 6: Feel her response.
This can feel quite intense.
You may feel it as sadness, anger, laughter, bitterness.
Whatever emotions and sensations you feel, please know that it’s very normal.
Step 7: In your mind’s eye, put white light around your friend.
Fill this white light with love and feelings of gratitude for all the lessons your friendship has taught you.
Step 8: Say goodbye to her, and when you are ready, break the connection by opening your eyes and returning to the here and now.
The above exercise is very powerful and gets results in ways you wouldn’t be able to imagine.
She is highly likely to just float away of her own accord (suddenly get busy, pull her own energy back from you – that sort of thing.)
But don’t be surprised if, for a short period, there is a brief and short-term increase in the interaction – but this will soon calm down.
And it’s important to know that you can always change your mind by going back into the same place in the exercise above, and simply telling her in your mind’s eye that you look forward to renewing and continuing your friendship at it’s new deeper and respectful level.
Of course, it’s important to note that these changes can come about swiftly and powerfully.
Sometimes, the shift in energy can feel a bit traumatic.
And other times, it happens slowly and organically.
The important thing to remember, it to just let the energy shift to “be”.
If you notice zero difference, either in the dynamic of your friendship or in the amount of time you find yourself spending with her, I advise that you do the above exercise again in about a week or so.
Sometimes deeply toxic energy can be harder to shift (but in the end, it’s all shiftable).
You might even find that the opposite occurs in the short-term.
Either there is an increase in your friend’s toxic energy towards you, or you find yourself needing to be in her presence more and more!
This is actually a good sign. It shows the Universe that your intention has been received, and in order for shifts to occur the present energy needs to be magnified.
It’s very common. It’s where the saying “Things might get worse before they get better” and it’s a natural phenomenon.
In fact, I always say that when things seem to get worse, you need to stay strong in your resolve more than ever.
Because energy is shifting and energy moves in waves and it ebbs and flows – sometimes the tide needs to come in before it can go out again.
Just please rest assured that, if you are certain your friendship needs to come to an end, it WILL.
And you can do it in a completely graceful and loving way, so that the source energy of all life sweeps in and carries you in separate directions.
Carries you both to places that serve your highest good.
So just know, during periods of doubt, or grief over the space left behind by the friendship, that you will soon feel full and loved again.
The Universe always fills empty space with whatever you’ve been thinking about.
Whatever signal you are sending “out there” – the Universe echoes those signals in manifestations of the life you live.
So it pays to get your signal in true alignment of what you WANT from life, and what you WANT from friendship – as this signal creates your reality.
And if you don’t know what you want from life – how can you be expected to know what you want from friendship?
Friends are people that you can spend time with, chat with, listen to, experience fun things together and generally feel a feeling of happiness and expansion with.
This will not be possible if your values clash (read about values here – scroll to the bottom third of the article to get a list of values and complete the exercise to see what your values are).
I know I bang on about values a lot, my Butterfly – but the truth is, values are important.
You need to know who you are, and what’s important to you, so that you can prioritise your time and live a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling.
And once you act on your values and live a life that is in alignment, you will begin to notice all of these people who are in the same places that you are:
Your favourite book store.
The lineup at the most recently released cult true crime feature-length film.
The wine bar, sipping on the best award-winning vintage.
Online, in your favourite Facebook group.
People just like you are everywhere, doing exactly the stuff that you like to do.
And they will find you to be very interesting, because you are interested in the same stuff as them.
So here’s what you need to do to find new friends:
- Figure out your values
- Identify ways that you can spend your time aligning with these values
- Feel fulfilled, simply by spending your time doing stuff that means a lot to you and makes you feel happy.
- Identify the same faces popping up in your sphere (this can be online, or in physical life)
- Feel yourself naturally moving towards these familiar faces.
- Keep up at spending your time in these ways that fulfil you.
- Enjoy these new-found friendships as they grow naturally and organically.
It’s important that you give these new friendships the space they need to grow and thrive.
Trying to dive head-long into a deep friendship is an unreasonable expectation.
And when I say unreasonable expectation I mean: You are unreasonable to expect it.
Instant, deep friendships are the exception, not the norm.
Usually, friendships will gain depth slowly – as you both assess one another’s character and build trust.
Friendships are an investment.
If you allow your new friendships to develop slowly and naturally, they will form deep and strong roots that will carry you forward into a quality friendship for a lifetime.
Love + light