In your 30’s, life is overloaded with people who need you – and you have less time for drama.
Add social anxiety to the mix, and you have a high degree of empathy and sensitivity, which makes being the target of jealousy extra hurtful.
Signs you are dealing with a jealous friend in your 30’s are:
She makes snarky comments about your appearance
She breaks contact when good things happen in your life
She avoids hanging out with you in public
She doesn’t want to listen to you
She brags about her own job, appearance, relationship, life – especially when you are having difficulties in those areas
My jealous friend: Eva’s personal story
Being half extrovert and half introvert, I am friendly with lots of people, but only the really special ones get “in”.
I have a few very close 1:1 type friendships which I take very seriously and work hard to maintain.
With my close friendships, I am open, generous, warm and vulnerable.
I share a lot, and I care.
And I understand that people get busy – my friends and I all work and a lot of us have kids, businesses etc so I understand that there’s not all the time in the world to socialise.
Anyway – I moved to Canberra a few years back and my friend (let’s call her Rachael) had been very close to me. She and I would text several times a day, every day, just to check in and see how each other were going.
I had always felt that if she got a man in her life that I would quickly be delegated to the edge of her care factor – and that turned out to be true when she got a boyfriend.
The relationship didn’t last long however, and then I was thrust into the role of helping her to heal her broken heart.
Time moved forward, my husband was posted to Canberra with his military job. At first she visited every couple of months, and I would visit her every couple of months.
I was trying to get pregnant with my second child, and I was struggling. I had miscarried, and my heart was still broken and raw.
Then, the night before Fathers Day, a miracle.
2 little blue lines. Strong ones.
Husby and I were ecstatic.
I called Rachael and she made all the right noises and promised to catch up with me soon.
Next time I saw her was about 12 months later – after my baby was born.
During my pregnancy, she still would text me, but her messages had changed.
She was busy. Unavailable. Distant.
And that has continued to this day.
I feel like Rachael has built up a big old brick wall – and I don’t know how to break it down.
I can’t change the fact that I got my second baby.
Can’t change the fact that I’m in a happy marriage.
I have confronted her – she has used the busy excuse time and again.
But it’s time to call it what it is, without judgment: She is jealous.
And there is nothing I can do to change it or win her back.
I think that’s the hardest thing when you are trying to cope with a jealous friend: the fact that YOU can’t help how she feels. You can’t change it for her.
I’ve tried being less-than.
I’ve tried to make myself smaller.
To give her space to shine.
It doesn’t work.
Her jealousy is her own. She owns it. It is her responsibility.
The only thing I can give her is space.
To love and forgive her from my end.
To respect where she is at.
And to trust time to help her to process her feelings of jealousy and resentment.
She will become centered again, and move forward in the right direction for her.
She will either want to be close friends again, in which case I will welcome her with open arms.
Or – a friendship with me isn’t what her soul needs and she will progress forward without me.
Which is what she’s been doing for about 3 years now – so you would think I’d take a hint by now, right?
As I said above, few people make it truly “in”.
Jealousy is a savage friendship-wrecker.
Having a jealous friend stirs up all sorts of self-worth issues, my Butterfly.
Especially if you are an empathetic, open-hearted person who just wants the best for everyone in your life.
It pains you to see suffering in other people – and this is one of the biggest reasons you struggle with social anxiety: You feel other peoples pain as your own.
So to see another person in pain, and to suspect that YOU might be the cause of it (however unintentional)…
Well, that hurts.
And the thing about having a jealous friend is, it isn’t immediately obvious to you.
All you know is: She – this friend who means a LOT to you – is behaving in ways that seem like an attack on you.
Instead of being happy for you – she seems to be taking every opportunity to trip you up.
Let me paint a picture for you:
Just say you’re really proud of yourself. You have done extremely well in your anxiety recovery and you’re building a life for yourself which is happy, fun, fulfilling, and EASY.
You’ve never known life to be this good. And it shows. Your life has come ahead in leaps and bounds and you have achieved things that you are very proud of.
You arrange to meet your friend for coffee.
When you get there, she snarks that you are late and asks why your hair looks weird.
She proceeds to talk about herself and her life, how wonderful it all is, and asks you ZERO questions about how you’re going.
When you talk, she interrupts you and redirects the conversation to herself and her problems.
You leave the coffee date feeling tired and headachey.
You might read the above and think “Oh, that never happens to me!”
But it’s a lot more common than you would think.
Such exchanges happen all the time, right under your nose, without you even noticing.
Think back to any and all exchanges with friends, family members etc that you have walked away from feeling less-than-good about.
Looking back on those exchanges, you are bound to find an interaction pattern similar to the one I’ve outlined above.
It’s a bitch.
And now you’ve identified it in your friendships… (actually – it’s not just friendships. Quite often you will find that jealousy can come from your partner, family members, work colleagues, even from authority figures like bosses and teachers – not something many people talk about but it’s the truth that jealousy is a lot more common than you might think).
Anyway. Now you’ve identified it in your friendships and other relationships – you can take steps to manage it.
I say MANAGE IT – because this is someone else’s issue at play here.
You cannot STOP their jealousy.
Their jealousy is their shit to deal with.
YOU are dealing with how it makes you FEEL. You do have control over how you let it affect you.
But the jealousy itself? No – not your problem.
Don’t make the mistake of dulling your vibe just to make the other person feel more comfortable.
That does neither of you any good.
Dulling yourself to make the other person more comfortable suffocates your aura.
It makes YOUR energy field vibrate in a way that doesn’t resonate with you.
And people can smell fakeness a mile off.
And someone who is jealous will capitalise on that.
They will take that change in your energy and they will bend it to their own will.
You can’t allow this to happen. You can’t let your jealous friend run the show.
It does neither of you any good.
So you need to detach from her negative energy and focus on boosting and building your own positivity and self–worth.
Download my free White light protection meditation – in less than 4 minutes you will feel strong and self-assured in your own energy.
While I’m on this point, there’s not a whole lot of use wondering WHY she would be jealous of you.
You obviously see her as an awesome person – you care enough about her and what she thinks to be reading this article – and you might be wondering why on earth she would be feeling jealousy and resentment towards you.
Again, this “reason WHY” is her’s to own.
If you try to understand where she is coming from and her motivations, you run the risk of prioritising her hang-ups over your own happiness and energy.
A much better strategy is to focus on yourself and what YOU want from life.
And my guess is – your time is too valuable to waste on someone who doesn’t have the capacity to support you.
We are all human. And we all succumb to human reactions and emotions.
But you can’t have a jealous friend ruling your life and decisions.
It makes you unhappy, and takes you off the path of your life’s purpose.
So the lesson here is:
- If you THINK you’re the target of jealousy – you probably are.
- You won’t win by making yourself smaller
- Empathising with your jealous friend will only get you so far
- You need to respect your friend enough to allow her to take responsibility for her own feelings and reactions.
Love + light
PS – I can’t emphasise how much my free White light protection meditation will help you deal with jealousy from other people. It takes 4 minutes and if you listen to it twice a day for a week you will be astounded at how it changes your friendships and your life.