My Butterfly: What is friendship between women – what is it worth?
Can you really actually value the support, trust, honesty, wisdom and advice that comes from someone who is completely on your side?
Who knows and understands you at the very deepest level, and loves you for who you are?
Who does not expect sex from you, or dinner on the table at a certain time?
Yes, friendship with other like-minded women is a valuable asset indeed, and will help get you through life’s hassles and burdens with triumph, simply because you know they are there, and they care.
Good, strong, solid friendships are vital for women with social anxiety.
Simply understanding that you’re not alone, and that people are in your corner is enough, most of the time.
But making friendships takes time, which is something not a lot of us have in this busy day and age.
And it’s commonly known that making friendships gets harder as you get older.
So it’s worth knowing that friendships are an investment – especially the deep, meaningful ones.
They take time to grow and evolve as you develop trust and loyalty to one another.
Life is busy as you get older as well – you have far less time to spend going out and making friends, and more time serving those you are responsible for.
It can be hard to get out and invest time in friendships when you have kids that really need you as well.
Which is why I think many people seek out their friends on the basis that if they LOOK similar to you, then they must be the SAME as you.
For example, many women I know try to make friends with other parents at school.
They figure that their kids are friends, so they must have something common as well.
While this might be true, and you might get lucky and mine some golden friendships that are everything you’d hoped for, I want to caution you on making friends simply because your lives mirror each other.
There are many women who are married, have kids and send their kids to school.
This factor is more like a rite of passage – something most of us do to fulfil our basic human instincts to reproduce and nurture.
But we are all so different – when you strip away the husband, kids and home, what have you got?
Idle chit-chat about home life and how your kids are doing is one thing – but if you wanted to go deeper than that (say, if you had a problem that you needed some advice on) – could you comfortably trust this person you met in your kids playground?
I know so many women who curate their friendship group based on these out exterior forces, but if you do, be prepared:
Your friendships will be fleeting, unless you find some common values to connect on.
Values are the things in life that you stand for – deeper than what you do, they are who you are.
(Some of Eva’s values are purpose, loyalty, and reward – for example.)
Your values don’t need to be the SAME – but they do need to SUPPORT one another.
For example – if you value achievements in your life, and you like to win awards and be recognised for the hard work you have put in to achieve things, that doesn’t mean your friend also needs to be a high achiever.
It DOES mean that she needs to be highly supportive and very proud of you, without any jealousy.
Your friend would need to value being supportive and encouraging in order to be a useful friend to you.
Too many people are caught up in toxic friendships where the balance is out of whack and the friendship is ruled by one person, while the other has to play by those rules.
Unless you value being told what to do, this type of friendship cannot support your higher purpose you will feel stifled and disallowed to express who you really are.
I’m sure we have all found ourselves in friendships like this – where you seem to be always trying and striving to please the other person or play by their rules.
This is why the first step is always to find out what you stand for (identifying your values from your values list) and finding people who support your values.
YOU and what you need MUST come first – this is your life so it’s your responsibility to ensure that your voice is heard.
And that means being a bit more discerning in the early stages of a friendship.
Slow down, find out who she really is and what she really stands for.
Decide if her values are ok with you, and whether that is something you can support.
See if she can support your values.
Of course, all of this is done discreetly and without your future friend knowing – you don’t want to scare her away by launching into a risk analysis of potential friendship right away!
And there’s no accounting for chemistry, either, in friendship.
People talk about chemistry when finding a partner – it’s that spark, that instant connection.
The same thing happens with friendships as well.
You can meet and hit it off right away – have lots of things to talk about and share the same sense of humour.
This type of connection is wonderful when you find it, but at some point if you are interested in deepening the friendship to make it a lifelong friendship you will need to know that your connection is supported by strong and reliable foundations.
So if you find that your values mis-align during the early stages of a friendship, it’s a sure sign that this friendship is not meant to be a lifelong connection.
This doesn’t mean you need to agree on everything – many friendships are based on a teacher/student dynamic (meaning that life lessons are learnt from the friendships) but generally, a set of shared and supporting values are a good indication of harmonious friendship moving forward.
And there needs to be a good, balanced dynamic of both people equally contributing to the friendship for it to bloom.
Contribution to a friendship can happen in many different ways, and often happens in alignment with the values I talked about above.
There is a book called “The 5 Love Languages” written by Gary Chapman, which talks about the 5 main ways that people express commitment to one another.
The 5 love languages are:
- Quality time: Doing stuff together that the other person (and you) enjoy. Shopping, walks, coffee – catching up and spending time.
- Physical touch: Due to social anxiety, physical touch may be triggering to you. But there are women who enjoy being patted on the back, touched on the shoulder, and getting encouraging, comforting, Oprah-warm hugs from their friends.
- Gifts: These are tokens of appreciation. They don’t need to be big. They symbolise that you saw something and thought of your friend. “Its’ the thought that counts” is definitely true here.
- Acts of service: This means doing stuff for your friend. Driving her places if she needs a ride. Helping her out with her weekend market stall. Altering her new dress for her.
- Words: Words are a BIG one for women! Women love to talk and listen, and we often bond over sharing information. (From Eva: Words are predominately my love-language, I love hearing encouraging words!)
So those are the way that humans generally express their esteem for each other.
Any act that falls into one of the above categories is essentially a deposit in the “friendship bank” and ideally each friend will contribute in equal measure.
Make sure it doesn’t get competitive though, and it really doesn’t work if each person is keeping score.
Score-keeping is one big area where friendships can run off-track.
You need to think enough of the other person to want to give to them, in your own way, as much as you feel inspired to do.
And you need to remember that you are giving. Friendship is about giving.
Appreciation, and being thankful, is something your friend should express as a signal of encouragement that you are on the right track and your efforts are well-received.
She should reciprocate and “pay it forward” to you in her own natural way.
Just be mindful that if you expect immediate reciprocation, you are likely to be disappointed.
This is because the Universe has it’s own rhythm, and your friend also needs an opportunity to reciprocate in a way that best serves you.
You don’t want her to feel obligated to buy you a gift, just because you gave her a gift that you knew she really wanted, that was perfect for her.
All these things will happen in time.
I’ve seen so many early-stage friendships that were lost due to impatience.
So my advice here is to quit the points-scoring, and simply give.
Give time, words, service, gifts, touch – wherever it feels natural and needed.
A good rule is: if it feels awkward or forced – don’t do it.
If you’re not giving from an overflowing heart – don’t do it.
If you’re only ‘giving’ so you can ‘get’ in return – don’t do it.
Also – it’s important to remember that sometimes you won’t ever get anything in return, despite all your efforts.
Not from this person, anyway.
So there are times that you will decide that you’ve given enough.
And you will end the friendship.
But remember: Nothing is ever wasted, because all of your efforts are deposits in the Bank of the Universe anyway.
And you will always get karma: A return of everything you invest, in one way or another.
Perhaps not from this friend, but from another.
The Universe is tricky like that – it will always echo your signal in the quickest, easiest, most direct way possible.
So if your potential friend is not capable of giving you the friendship you need, believe me when I say you are attracting the right friend to you anyway.
When you truly learn every lesson from every person who is sent into your orbit in life, you begin to see new friends of sacred messengers of truth for yourself.
When you know the secret ingredient to making and keeping deep, loyal friendships (shared and complementing values) you become adept at quickly sorting and deciding who will help you along the path of life.
To bring positive, fresh, happy friendship energy into your life, do this self-healing exercise:
Find some time when you won’t be disturbed.
Get some paper and a pen (I always like to physically write with pen and paper when I’m manifesting)
Start to write down all of the qualities you wish for in a new friend.
Write it all down, no matter how silly, or shallow it sounds.
Whatever comes out of your pen, just accept it.
When you are finished, look at your list and see the optimistic words that appear over and over again.
Or words that are in the same general theme.
Think about the feeling of these words – how do they feel in your body?
Notice any tightness in your body when you feel the energy of these words.
Then close your eyes, and breathe white light into your body.
Bring the white light down into your tummy, and take it to the place within your body, where you feel the tightness.
Feel the white light expand in your body – feel the tightness gently melt away as it is replaced with a feeling of acceptance, warmth and love.
Ground yourself, by seeing tree roots coming out of the soles of your feet, and bring yourself back to earth by drinking a glass of water.
Then, in the next week, I want you to notice and acknowledge all the ways that these words appear in your life.
As if by magic – they will appear.
You will see the words themselves, hear them in conversations, and you will feel the warm and happy feeling energy that people who embody those words will bring into your life.
Above all, Butterfly, I want you to know this:
It’s never too late to start afresh, and it’s never too late to change your mind.
If you find yourself without friends, it’s simply because you need to bring some energy into that area of your life.
Love + light